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It keeps you alive!Don't Be So Sure. Be Absolutely F$%@ing Positive.

How To Guide by (2014-12-26)

Strategies For The Resistance Part One

Another week goes by, and another grand jury fails to indict a cop over the questionable killing of a citizen. The headlines were about angry mobs burning down Ferguson and protestors around the country stopping traffic and sucking teargas, but that wasn't the real story. What's really going on is that finally the injustice has reached a point where the majority of people are starting to get very concerned about their own well-being. Some very disturbing numbers are starting to get thrown around as relations between police forces and the communities they serve take on a subtle yet distinct Israel/Palestine type of flavor. Add this to the latest confirmed reports of CIA torture using food-rape along with a growing uneasiness over world leaders' inability to deal with climate chaos and the ongoing Holocene Extinction Event, and you get a significant portion of the population wondering if those extra hundreds of hours we work every year to afford our tax bill is actually supporting a giant totalitarian suicide machine.



Welcome to McTyrrany. How may I seize your assets today?
Welcome to McTyrrany. How may I seize your assets today?

 

But as a prepared person who considers the big picture, you find none of this particularly shocking. It doesn't matter if you are a red-meat-chewin' conservative still reeling over Ruby Ridge and the Katrina gun confiscations or a pipeline-protesting liberal who watched your Occupy buddies collect baton strikes like merit badges. You already know there are two sets of laws in that court house; one for the connected and another for the rest of us. Unlike the elitist clowns and their blue light extortion force, when someone hauls you in before a grand jury there's a 99.9% chance it's going to stick. You have already started making plans and altering your behavior to cope with our new post-constitutional Mafia State, and have taken steps to mitigate the coming chaos when the globalized market economy inevitably destroys itself.

 

Well I didn't write this article for you. No, this is for the people who are just starting to yawn and rub their sleepy eyes before getting their first glimpse of how messed up the world really is. They have a lot of catching up to do.

 

Good morning, sunshine!
Good morning, sunshine!

 

So you finally figured out everyone is full of it. The government is a fascist pigfarm, the media is an endless stream of lies and distortions, your history books are fake, and pretty much everything you learned in school is holding you back from self-actualizing. Possibly by this point years of your life have been wasted in the trivial pursuit of accumulating consumer junk and soon-to-be worthless money while seeking the approval of others who would probably rather kill themselves than confront the objective reality of their own enslavement. Soon enough many of them will, but that's their problem. Your concern is how you immediately cope with the situation at hand. There are basically three options on the table, and none of them are paticularly warm and fuzzy. Number one is to go with it and hope for the best, number two is find a meaningful way to resist, and number three is to kill yourself.

 

Assuming you have not killed yourself already, let us visit the other options.
Assuming you have not killed yourself already, let us visit the other options.

 

 

Just Go With It

Really? I don't think so. You can try if you like, but that's not how most human beings are wired. We usually gravitate away from slavery and towards freedom. Once despotic regimes switch from the carrot to the stick their populations will inevitably refuse to cooperate. If you are in a high enough income bracket I suppose it's possible to avert your eyes and justify yourself into a corner, but if the horrible realization that you are directly benefiting of other peoples' misery doesn't keep you awake at night it means you are a sociopathic parasite. It's probably going to come as a shock when no police helicopter gunships come to save you as the angry mobs burn down your house and string you up from a bridge. Let's hope for your sake they make the rope long enough so the fall breaks your neck instead of forcing you to slowly strangle to death.

 

Maybe if they are cool you can talk them into shooting you first and theng hanging you.
Maybe if they are cool you can talk them into shooting you first and theng hanging you.

 

 

Get Really Really High

Probably one of the most popular ways people cope with loss of identity is to find the sort of addiction that suits their fancy and extend the suicide process by a few months and/or years. The bonus is you buy a little extra time to change your mind about killing yourself while reducing your contribution to a broken system.  You will also be directly supporting the criminal orgazations first in line to take over after the cops and military finally walk off the job. While living under the iron fist of a warlord doesn't sound so great, consider that they might actually provide some stability but with a drastically reduced carbon footprint.

The downside is that drugs can land you in prison, which is never a good thing. We are living in a dysfunctional system where people are punished for medical problems like addiction, and the prison industrial complex will be able to make $50k a year off of your withering body and broken soul by extorting the rest of us for your cage fee. If your goal is to prematurely bankrupt/subvert the system by depriving it of your capital then you will have failed. Plus prison really sucks. In any case it's always better to be discrete while smoking/shootin/drinking your savings before the government gets their grubby hands on it.

If you still don't want to be alive when the money runs out then maybe you can plan a long weekend of parting hard followed by one super-size hit at the end which will hopefully guarantee a fatal overdose. Just be sure that there is nobody who will get stuck with your debt and medical bills in case you end up braindead and on life support.  The objective is to have the most fun possible while shuffling all your wealth into the black market and sumultaneously creating as much unserviceable debt as possible. That means if someone is forced to make payments after you kicked the bucket then you have also failed your mission. Consider hiring professional legal help BEFORE your binge to make sure all those divorce papers are final and you have officially disowned your kids, etc.

I'm not an expert in this arena, however, and seeing as how this website is called It Keeps You Alive it wouldn't be very professional of us to recommend otherwise perfectly healthy people destroying thier own bodies.

 

Coming soon: ItKeepsYouAHollowShellOfYourFormerSelf.com
Coming soon: ItKeepsYouAHollowShellOfYourFormerSelf.com

 

 

Go Postal

Suddenly waking up to realize you have no rights and no future can make a person extremely angry (depending on your personality). We've all been trained to worship violence and respect violent people, and there's a reason why the Pentagon gets final script approval for so many Hollywood movies these days. Maybe you made the mistake of signing up for military service and got stuck fighting some illegal war of empire expansion, watching your friends die and get disfigured so that some rich guys could get richer. Now you have some amazing training, a head full of crazy, and a benefits package that keeps getting cut. You were the edge of the razor, only to find out it was a disposable. What better way to show everyone the error of their ways by getting all Old Testament on someone's ass?

 

Not exactly what most people would call a Hero.
Not exactly what most people would call a Hero.

 

First things first. As the name might suggest, going “caveman” isn't a very original idea, plus it actually has a tendency to make things worse. The best metaphor of violence I ever heard is that it's like surgery. You have to have a very precise application, preferably in a controlled environment and performed by an expert practitioner with a very specific result in mind. Otherwise your grand statement can get twisted around to look like just another crazy asshole, or worse. Remember the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand that led to World War I? Millions of dead people? Trenches? Yeah. That kind of worse.

 

Kind of ironic that the most powerful bullet in the world was a .380 ACP
Kind of ironic that the most powerful bullet in the world was a .380 ACP


People talk about violence as being a cycle, so if you don't fancy the idea of grabbing a front-row seat to watch the wold burn then your energy is much better spent in trying to stop that cycle instead of encouraging it. Every human being has the right to self defense, but there can be a lot of gray area in between a defensive shooting and cold blooded murder as recent court cases involving police officers have demonstrated. Hell, we have a whole Department of Defense that's more than a little confused on the concept. Better to leave this as a total last resort. I mean dead last, like you honestly think you are about to die. At that point it doesn't really matter, does it? The worst thing that could happen is you get reincarnated as a deformed baby in a post-climate-change hellscape, and chances are there will be so much radiation and industrial poisons swirling around in the dust that life expectancies will be relatively short. Joke's on you, Universe!

 

You figure they would have at least retired the name by now.
You figure they would have at least retired the name by now.

 

Try To Do Something Meaningful

Sounds pretty good, but just like the postal option this can also go catastrophically wrong. You'd be surprised how many of history's biggest douchebags actually thought they were doing the right thing. Their subordinates usually try to slink away after they get busted by using the excuse of “just following orders”. What that means is that they couldn't come up with any good ideas on their own about how to make a contribution to society and decided to sign up for someone else's dream, and now they think the same personal irresponsibility that got them into the situation is going to help them escape the consequences.

 

Here is a hint. Do NOT drink the Kool Aid.
Here is a hint. Do NOT drink the Kool Aid.

 

So many terrible one-size-fits-all ideas are floating around and getting pitched by expert con-men that it's safer to avoid signing on dotted lines altogether. This especially goes for anything that is followed by an “-ism” or involves discussions of what happens “once we take power”. They are pretty much red flags that you are talking with megalomaniacal psychopaths who are either going to end up worthless and forgettable or, worst case scenario, waving banners and singing patriotic songs on top of a mountain of corpses.

 

“But Survival Chicken, these guys seem pretty cool. They are like sensitive, artsy, spiritual types.”

Even worse.

 

The problem is most people are indoctrinated from a very early age to “be the best you can be”. What they aren't told is the hidden second part of that statement, about their success being measured and conforming to someone else's arbitrary set of standards. This creates an army of approval-seekers who get fed up with one status quo and jump immediately into another, failing to realize that being a slave in heaven and a master in hell are basically the same thing. As long as someone else is setting up the framework to quantify and validate your “contribution” there's no way you can ever be at your best. You are just someone's little dancing monkey, and when they get tired of your act they will chop you up for Monkey Stew or release you into a the deep dark jungle for which you are completely unprepared.
 

If anybody puts their hand on your shoulder while offering you an encouraging word about how you are the kind of person who can go far in their organization, it's definitely time to start looking for the nearest fire exits and anything valuable you can take on the way out.

 

Dark enough for ya? Don't worry, because we covered most of the heavy stuff here. Stay tuned for Part Two with some different strategies that might actually work!

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